If you’re of age where you are starting to consider if you should have kids or not, then you better listen up. Having children will totally cramp your style. Don’t get me wrong, I love my three kids and all that, but the reality is, if I didn’t have kids, I’d probably have more money in the bank, have more toys like boats and crap like that. Plus I’d be mountain biking more rather than doing parental duties like clothing, feeding and providing my kids shelter as well as a good education.
Do you know what happens to people who start having kids? They eventually stop riding bikes or having any type of fun. These people are the same ones that end up taking a 12 year hiatus from riding. I say 12 because that’s about the age where most parents feel comfortable leaving their kids home alone. Once these people return to mountain biking, the high end bikes they bought…12 years ago are way out dated and has become a hipster’s dream. These bikes become sorta cool again for wayfarer wearing, tight jean, bearded guys who end up taking those bikes and bastardizing them into grocery commuters or worse, some sort of fixed gear thing where they’ll grind off all the cable routes or anything that sticks out that was once useful back in its day.
Typically when people have their first kid, their life pretty much stops. Some will say that having a kid will only make their life more exciting. Um, no…Kids won’t do that. In fact your life becomes centered around those boogery things that you call “sweetheart” and “buddy.” Weekends…remember those? You know, that was the time you’d go on your epic rides with your buddies, eat and drink beer afterwards. Well, kiss weekends goodbye because when you have kids you end up going to lame birthday parties for other style cramping kids. You end up meeting other dads who “used-to” to do this and that and they’ll talk to you about how they were at one time COOL. But not no more! They had kids and now they’re just like you…wishing and day dreaming of times when they used to go to the bike park where you get on a ski lift just so you could ride your bike down!
Oh by the way, did I mention that kids will steal your cool factor. You know how? Mini-van, that’s how! Yep, you’ll be driving a mini-van because you can no longer transport those things.err..your kids safely in your 2 door sports car. When you drive a mini-van, you no longer look cool when you’re blasting your hip-hop or alternative or even classic rock. You’ll look like a has-been, even worse, a creepy old guy.
Oh let me fill you in on the expenses of having a kid or kids. They’re pricey things. Just in food alone I spend close to $1000 a MONTH. Yep, that includes groceries and times that we eat out. That doesn’t even include car insurance. Two of my kids drive and to have them on my policy bumped my premium to well over $520 per MONTH. Plus you’ve got all the other stuff like school expenses and clothing. Ugh…seriously, don’t have kids! Think about all that money you’d be saving…no really, think real hard. All that money I spend a month for kids, shoot, I could be going to Hawaii each month for a vacation!
So there you have it, kids will totally cramp your style, they cost money, the prevent you from mountain biking. Oh here’s another thing you should know, my own kids think that kids in general suck. Now that this article is pretty much over, I’m sure you think I’ll say something like…”as much as I talk smack about kids, I love mine” and then show a picture of me and my kids hugging or smiling. Nope. I’ll tell you what, I’ll show you a picture of where I’d rather be if I had all that money in my bank account…on a beach drinking beer and having tacos or some sort of meat plate.