Area man says mountain biking has made his vagina shrink

Meet Rusty Bergold, he’s a guy that got into mountain biking for health reasons. But mainly he got into it because his friends kept calling him a “pussy.” Bergold didn’t want to be associated with that nickname so he decided to take up mountain biking. At first his vagina was so big that it would get in the way while riding. But the more he kept at it, the more his vag shrank. “Each time I do something gnarly, I can feel my vag shrinking and my balls getting bigger!” said Bergold during an interview at a local trail head.

area

Bergold has tried other activities such as Merengue and spin classes to reduce the size of his vag, but nothing has been better for his condition than an hour of mountain biking. Dr. Tito Boyd stated “The saddle helps push the vag back in and each time he gets off the saddle to tackle the gnar, his balls drop a mm at a time.”

The Bike Geek: The art of crashing

Hello fellow Mountain Bikers! Sorry I have not posted my “weekly” post but a system issue prevented me from posting my awesome articles.

vpxmtiz

Anyhow, we all know that crashing is part of mountain biking, it is not a question of if but when is it that you will crash. Now, some crashes are totally unavoidable, some “just happen” and the rest are “what the fuck was he thinking”.

thegroup

A couple of weekends ago, we all decided to grab our Cyclocross bikes and headed to the world famous Fullerton Loop and we took a buddy who kicked our ass on the Cyclocross race but had never ridden the loop on a Cx bike. We figured he should be fine, Cyclocross bikes are just skinny rigid 29rs, right?

The loop was a little rutted from all the rain, but with careful line selection, it was totally doable on a Cx bike. So we thought… So lets get into the art of crashing, if you know you are going to beef it, we usually try to do the “roll” and have our shoulders take the brunt of the impact:

Ouch

We definitely do not recommend using a tree to slow down or clinging to a fence going 20 mph…. What the fuck was he thinking, right? The aftermath of this stunt was a fat lip, a lacerated finger, a fractured pinky and a very pissed off wife and did I mention that we missed Lady Gaga’s Superbowl performance? WTF.

injury

We were also ill prepared to deal with this type of injuries on the trail, luckily Art carries a first aid kit with him in his car. We will make sure that we carry a Brave Soldier Crash Pack next time.

ouch

Anyhow, our buddy will be fine but unfortunately his bike was not OK. 🙁

Best Anti-Theft Device

I was recently thinking this in my head, “what’s the best way to PREVENT bike theft?” I’m not thinking of bike locks or anything like that, but something that would deter or pretty much have a bike thief completely walk away from the bike and not even consider stealing it. Then I saw this picture on the Interwebs…

bike theft

Hmm, this got me thinking. This HAS to be the best idea ever and guess what, this could totally be used for just about anything that holds value. So all you have to do is get an adult toy, preferably something like the one you see on the photo, but maybe a bit bigger and blacker, then take that and place it on the item(s) you don’t want stolen.

Place it on your car, TV, your expensive pure bred dog, your phone. Heck you can place it on the couch, that way you don’t have to say “SAVE!” All you do is leave it there and no one will take your spot. If you place this toy on your bike, I guarantee you that no one will want to come near it. The natural response when seeing such an item is to back away. Immediately a person’s mind will get flooded with thoughts of nasty things that may have been done with that thing. Another thought is…”is it used?!” Most likely they’ll assume that it has been previously enjoyed before taking on a new purpose in life.

So what’s the take away from this article? Get yourself an adult toy, a few of them and leave them on your valuable possessions and I guarantee that no one will come near it, unless they’re into that sorta thing.

Flannel Shirts Make Great Cold Weather Clothing

flannel shirt for cold weather clothing for mountain biking

Let me get this out before you all start criticizing me. Cold for Southern California (SoCal) standards typically hovers around 40-50 degrees. So that means many mountain bikers in will be wearing jackets, arm/knee warmers and even ear coverings when temps drop. I’ve had various cold weather clothing but none of them come close to the versatility of a basic flannel shirt. Here’s a few points on why I prefer flannel shirts for cold weather riding.

11182145_945634472155183_8022462229941202296_n

1. They’re super affordable. On average, I’ve paid about $15 for my shirts. That’s a tremendous savings over cycling specific winter gear.

2. Pockets in the front! If I’m listening to my music, I usually keep my phone in the front pocket and I route the ear buds in between the buttons so they won’t dangle or get in the way.

3. Easy to layer. So what I do is use the flannel as my outer shell. I will wear a long sleeve jersey underneath when temps are between 50-60 degrees. This set up allows my body to stay cool and dry but not cold. So when I sweat, my long sleeve jersey wicks the moisture and the flannel allows just the right amount of air flow to keep my body temps comfortable.

10991340_10205577641467992_2559170417141494564_n (1)

4. Durable. Have you ever taken a spill while wearing a regular jersey? Often times jerseys don’t survive, they usually end up torn or shredded. In my experience, flannel is way more durable than a polyester jersey.

5. No special laundry rules. With jerseys, I usually will hang dry them to prevent shrinkage. With my flannels, I wash them like regular clothing.

6. Looks great! I know that wearing flannel isn’t for everyone. But for the most part wearing a jersey when you ride looks great! I’ve never been a fan of goofy loud jerseys. I like my riding gear to look like normal clothing. For me, I think flannels look great, they come in a variety of colors and because they’re so affordable, you can by 5 of them for the price of one cycling winter jacket. One more thing to add, you can wear them on and off the trails.

What’s great about flannel is that you look presentable enough to wear them on the trail and then wash them so you can wear them when you’re hanging out with your buddies for beers later that evening. Plus they go with any pair of jeans or shorts. I’m telling ya, flannels are a win-win kind of shirt!

rl jump 3

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Bring Maxi Pads When Mountain Biking

Here’s something you may never had thought about, it’s the use of maxi pads when you go mountain biking. For those of you that don’t know, a maxi pad is, then go ask your mom. She can explain everything about them. 1. Maxi pads are great for first aid. If you’ve crashed on your mountain bike and don’t have a first aid kit with you, then bust out the maxi pad! Place it over a wound to help stop bleeding. maxi pad bandage 2. Elbow and Knee Pads. Before tackling a tough downhill section of the trail, pad up! If you crash the pads will protect your joints and in the event you get injured, use the pads to stop the bleeding! knee maxi pads 3. Give a pad to the guy in your group who keeps complaining and say, “Here, this is for your vagina.” whinning 4. Clean your bike with it. maxi pad clean bicycle 5. Use it for added cushion for your seat. 6. Keep the sweat off your eyes. Nothing is worse than getting your sweat in your eyes. The pad will absorb and keep your face dry!

7. Use it as a handkerchief to blow your nose of to keep in your tuxedo pocket. hankerchief 8. Use it as a top tube pad, so you don’t hurt your nuts.

9. Clean up spills with it.

10. Use it as a napkin so your snack doesn’t get dirty.

Well, you kinda get the point, right? The Maxi Pad has so many uses and when it come to mountain biking, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to keep one or two of them in your hydration pack, you never know when you might need it.

Here’s a bit of mountain biking advice…

No matter what you do…and please take this seriously. DO NOT GET RID OF ALL YOUR BIKES! Let’s say you’ve lost some of your mojo to ride lately and you’ve decided to slim down the stable by selling some of your bikes. Sure do that, but for the love of GOD, do not sell ALL of them. Keep at least one!

Here’s why. For starters, if you sell all your bikes and for some unseen reason you decide to get back into it, all that stuff, bikes, gear and etc is expensive! Secondly, once you’re a mountain biker, you’re always going to be a mountain biker. Look, I’ve gone through spells where I thought that I wouldn’t want to ride again, but after a while, I go out and try it and realize how much fun it is. I made the mistake of selling almost all of my bikes…well except 2. But I got rid of 2 downhill bikes, my 2 single speeds and etc. Guess what, I miss downhilling and I miss riding my single speed. Dangit…

What if it takes you years to get back into riding again? SO WHAT! Who cares how long it takes for you to get back on, once you back on the saddle you’ll love it. Ya, you’ll be out of shape, but you’ll work towards getting in to shape that’s different from round. Don’t worry about your bike’s technology becoming obsolete and all that jazz, no way man. Did you know there’s a rebirth of everything old in mountain biking? Stuff from the 80s are cool to ride again. If you had a wacky 90s DH bike that had 3″ of travel…that’s cool again! Seriously, there’s a sub-culture that just dig that stuff.

90s bike

Besides, selling your bike means you’ve given up all hope. If you find yourself selling your very last mountain bike from your collection, you might as well turn in your balls and man card, cuz you won’t need them.

revoked-e1361223320574-630x370

INTERBIKE DIRTDEMO 2015

Well as I descend upon Las Vegas and make my way to the 2015 Inter bike Dirtdemo, I saw fat tire bikes, cool bikes from the past, Mountain E-Bikes, and products galore.
The weather was windy, sunny, and just enough rain to make it just right, so here are some pics of the 2015 DirtDemo.

Canopy city, now let the games began.
Canopy city, now let the games begin.

 

Welcome, but you need a pass. Don't worry we got you covered.
Welcome, but you need a pass. Don’t worry we got you covered.

FAT TIRE

Fat tire bikes seemed to be the cool thing again this year.

The Surly Fat tire brigade.
The Surly Fat tire brigade.

 

Oh please no tight shorts on a Fat tire bike.
Oh please no tight shorts on a Fat tire bike.

 

9:ZERO:7 Carbon framed Fat Tires were very cool.
9:ZERO:7 Carbon framed Fat Tires were very cool.

 

Full Carbon, 1x9
Full Carbon, 1×9

 

Carbon fork with thru axle
Carbon fork with thru axle
Belt Drive made to last
Belt Drive made to last

 

KHS Fat Tire
KHS Fat Tire

Best way to travel goes to this guy.

Now this is plain cool.
Now this is plain cool.

 

Got all your gear.
Got all your gear.

 

Now there no trail you can't get to with this setup.
Now there no trail you can’t get to with this setup.

OLD SCHOOL BIKES IN THE DEMO

Nothing like seeing an old KLEIN. These still look cool in my book.
Nothing like seeing an old KLEIN. These still look cool in my book.

 

Elastomer Manitou OG.
Elastomer Manitou OG.

 

Repack cruisers, where it all began.
Repack cruisers, where it all began.

 

The start of MTBing
The start of MTBing

 

Early suspension fork, yeah!!
Early suspension fork, yeah!!

DAINESE DEMOING THEIR GEAR

You won’t see to many safety companies doing a demo of their protection and I have to say it was great to see them out there. From what I gathered it was a hit and you can tell with most of their popular sizes checked out for most of the day.

The Dainese Crew was busy both days demoing the newest knee and elbow protection.
The Dainese Crew was busy both days demoing the newest knee and elbow protection.

 

"DO IT!" "JUST DOOO IT!"
“DO IT!” “JUST DOOO IT!”

 

The newest protection from the best.
The newest protection from the best.

MISHAPS & ODD BALLS

When at a DirtDemo you will have injury and that one guy that will reinvent the wheel.

The boo boo brothers were out having a good time, I think.
The boo boo brothers were out having a good time, I think.

 

Suck it up Buttercup.
Suck it up Buttercup.

 

I don't know which guy looks better off, the guy on the right or the guy on the left.
I don’t know which guy looks better off, the guy on the right or the guy on the left.

 

"I just know this tire size will be a way bigger hit then 29er guys."
“I just know this tire size will be a way bigger hit then 29er guys.”

 

So far this one took the overboard award.
So far this one took the overboard award.

 

With great big tires you need great big stopping power, obviously.
With great big tires you need great big stopping power, obviously.

 

Dual spring seat is the rear suspension on this baby.
Dual spring seat is the rear suspension on this baby.

 

As Doc Brown has forsaken his greatest invention of the time machine and his Flux Capacitor (due to mishaps in time) he moves on in search of another tire company to pitch his do all tire size. Good luck Doc.
As Doc Brown has forsaken his greatest invention of the time machine and his Flux Capacitor (due to mishaps in time) he moves on in search of another tire company to pitch his do all tire size.
Good luck Doc.

HARD WORKING CREWS

When at a Interbike DirtDemo there is a no harder working staff then that of the bike companies. They are constantly moving bike in and out of there tents, adjusting bikes to fit their customers and hopefully potential new customers. For two days in any weather condition they are cranking.
A quick look at the hardest working people. Thanks guys.
20150915_114722
20150915_114732
IMG_9005
IMG_9054
IMG_9055
IMG_9056

LAST LOOKS

Finish Line lubes and cleaners for your bike.
Finish Line lubes and cleaners for your bike.

 

GT CARBON SENSOR 27.5
GT CARBON SENSOR 27.5

 

Cannondale bikes looking cool and fast even on a rack.
Cannondale bikes looking cool and fast even on a rack.

 

Giant's Woman LIV line.
Giant’s Woman LIV line.

 

Good crowds made it easy to see and try it all.
Good crowds made it easy to see and try it all.

 

G-Form always at the Demo.
G-Form always at the Demo.

 

Take one out for a try.
Take one out for a try.

 

Alpinestars at the demo.
Alpinestars at the demo.

 

HARO Hardtail 27.5
HARO Hardtail 27.5

 

Great product for all to see.
Great product for all to see.

 

New Deuter Hydro pack.
New Deuter Hydro pack.

 

Back protection insert new for Attack 20.
Back protection insert new for Attack 20.

Well there can be so much more, but we have Interbike to go see next. Hope you enjoyed.

Having Children Will Totally Cramp Your Style

If you’re of age where you are starting to consider if you should have kids or not, then you better listen up. Having children will totally cramp your style. Don’t get me wrong, I love my three kids and all that, but the reality is, if I didn’t have kids, I’d probably have more money in the bank, have more toys like boats and crap like that. Plus I’d be mountain biking more rather than doing parental duties like clothing, feeding and providing my kids shelter as well as a good education.

kids

Do you know what happens to people who start having kids? They eventually stop riding bikes or having any type of fun. These people are the same ones that end up taking a 12 year hiatus from riding. I say 12 because that’s about the age where most parents feel comfortable leaving their kids home alone. Once these people return to mountain biking, the high end bikes they bought…12 years ago are way out dated and has become a hipster’s dream. These bikes become sorta cool again for wayfarer wearing, tight jean, bearded guys who end up taking those bikes and bastardizing them into grocery commuters or worse, some sort of fixed gear thing where they’ll grind off all the cable routes or anything that sticks out that was once useful back in its day.

Typically when people have their first kid, their life pretty much stops. Some will say that having a kid will only make their life more exciting. Um, no…Kids won’t do that. In fact your life becomes centered around those boogery things that you call “sweetheart” and “buddy.” Weekends…remember those? You know, that was the time you’d go on your epic rides with your buddies, eat and drink beer afterwards. Well, kiss weekends goodbye because when you have kids you end up going to lame birthday parties for other style cramping kids. You end up meeting other dads who “used-to” to do this and that and they’ll talk to you about how they were at one time COOL. But not no more! They had kids and now they’re just like you…wishing and day dreaming of times when they used to go to the bike park where you get on a ski lift just so you could ride your bike down!

Oh by the way, did I mention that kids will steal your cool factor. You know how? Mini-van, that’s how! Yep, you’ll be driving a mini-van because you can no longer transport those things.err..your kids safely in your 2 door sports car. When you drive a mini-van, you no longer look cool when you’re blasting your hip-hop or alternative or even classic rock. You’ll look like a has-been, even worse, a creepy old guy.

dad in a minivan

Oh let me fill you in on the expenses of having a kid or kids. They’re pricey things. Just in food alone I spend close to $1000 a MONTH. Yep, that includes groceries and times that we eat out. That doesn’t even include car insurance. Two of my kids drive and to have them on my policy bumped my premium to well over $520 per MONTH. Plus you’ve got all the other stuff like school expenses and clothing. Ugh…seriously, don’t have kids! Think about all that money you’d be saving…no really, think real hard. All that money I spend a month for kids, shoot, I could be going to Hawaii each month for a vacation!

So there you have it, kids will totally cramp your style, they cost money, the prevent you from mountain biking. Oh here’s another thing you should know, my own kids think that kids in general suck. Now that this article is pretty much over, I’m sure you think I’ll say something like…”as much as I talk smack about kids, I love mine” and then show a picture of me and my kids hugging or smiling. Nope. I’ll tell you what, I’ll show you a picture of where I’d rather be if I had all that money in my bank account…on a beach drinking beer and having tacos or some sort of meat plate.

White-beach