We’ve all been there…you’re riding and you’ve got an urge to fart. Well if you’re over 40…don’t trust that fart! Why? Well for the simple reason of you being older. Your bung hole ins’t as tight as it was when you were younger. Plus you’re not as regular as you used to be. So that means you could still have some poop left over in your colon and when you fart…BOOM! It’s a SHART!
Nothing worse than having to clean out your riding shorts after trusting a fart…don’t even bother right? Just throw those $100 pair of shorts away. I’m sure you tried to hose off the skid marks..but sometimes those poop particles just stay within the padding.
Anyway, let’s get back to what we were talking about…farts at 40. Ya man, hold it in…or better yet, burp it out! I’m sure you know how to do that, right? What you do is this, when you feel the urge to fart, push it back in by doing a simple keigel exercise. This will allow your sphnicter to bounce the fart back up your intestines and you later burp it out. Try it…practice the keigel…did you burp?
Let’s face it, mountain bikes aren’t cheap. I know guys that have dropped $5-$7k on a mountain bike. Each time I hear of it, I sorta cringe. You see I’m what you call a cheapskate, AKA BOB-Brother on a Budget. I come from no money and because I have three daughters, I still don’t have money. Any of the mountain bikes I’ve purchased are usually acquired through some extensive dealings to get a bro-discount. I make sure I try and pay at cost for a bike. If anything, having a used bike is the way to go. Just like cars, their resale value drops like a sledgehammer once they leave the showroom floor.
Not sure if you knew this, but I’m a huge motorcycle fan. I’ve bought and sold over 31 motorbikes in the past few years. It’s become a big hobby for me. I look for bargains or in some scenarios, a basket case and I’ll recondition and resell for a profit. I’ve gotten pretty good at it and out of all my dealings I can say I’ve only lost money 2 times. That loss only equates to about $50…but if you consider all the profit I make on all my other dealings, then I really didn’t take a loss.
Anyhow, when I heard some friends drop mad-cash on new bikes…my mind immediately goes through a thought process of “I could have bought a nice motorcycle for that!” Sometimes my mind ends up speaking on my behalf by blurting out…”DAAAANG!!!” Then I also think about how many months of rent that could pay or how many car payments that could take care of. I also think about how many tattoos can I get with that money?!
But hey, to each his own, right? I mean, you’re going to do what you think is best for you. For me, if I had $4k in my pocket, I’d probably find a mountain bike for about $1500, then use the rest to buy 1-2 motorcycles to flip so I can get a return on that cash I just spent.
We met up with Steve, a mountain biker who says he doesn’t ride with a water bottle or hydration pack. We asked why he doesn’t and he said “Hydrating is for sissies! I’ve trained my body to recycle sweat so I’m never thirsty during a ride.” Though we were skeptical of his practices, we were slightly impressed and curious about how this would work. We asked if we could tag along on his ride to see how he does it.
As we were riding, I got thirsty. I decided to take a swig of my water bottle. I asked him if he needed a drink. He smirked and then he stood up on his bike to pedal ahead of me. About half way through the ride we stopped to rest. By this time I can see him sweating like a whore in a church.
I offered him a drink, he said no then says, “Watch this!” The dude started making grunting noises and faces as if he was about to drop a deuce! Next thing you know, his body was absorbing all the sweat he just lost! Ya man, his skin was bone dry! Right after that he got on his bike and pedaled away…wow…he really is badass!
Ken Crouch, a local mountain biker shows up to a group ride with a hard tail 29er. Everyone in the group brought out their 5″-6″ travel trail/All Mountain bikes. Some even scoffed at the idea that Ken wouldn’t be able to handle the technical aspects of the trail with his 4″ XC machine. To make things worse on Ken, he was just wearing a T-shirt and some Dickies work shorts. His buddies were wearing the latest designer riding gear from Troy Lee, Fox and etc. Again he got some questionable looks from the douche bags of the group.
But you see Ken doesn’t care because he knows he’s a bad ass. He knows what he can and can’t do on the trail and frankly there really isn’t anything Ken can’t do on a mountain bike. So the group started the ride with a long climb to the summit. While his long travel bike buddies were huffing and puffing up the hill, Ken locked out his fork and granny geared it to the top. They decided to descend down a technical trail where everyone believed you need a full suspension bike. Before they started going down the trail, people were lowering their seats, strapping on elbow and knee pads, plus they ate a lite snack of GU because they had depleted their energy from the previous climb.
Ken wasn’t too fazed by it all. He did lower his seat the old fashioned way, by loosening his seat collar’s quick release. Some of the douche bags wanted to go in front of him because they thought he’d slow them down. He said no problem and let them go ahead of him.
As they started rolling down the trail, the pace got faster and faster. To the point where he was catching up to the last riders of the group. Eventually Ken got to the front of the pack and was tackling some of the nastiest baby heads and rollers on the trail. While the rest of the group slowed down, Ken kept charging down the mountain. Some of the riders even dismounted to walk the trail because it was too scary.
Ken was the first to get down the trail. He greeted each rider that came in with a big smile and fist bumps. Once everyone got there, they started talking about how much of a bad ass Ken was. This badassery demonstrated by Ken earned the respect of the other riders. But he didn’t really care if they did or not, he just loved to ride.
His friends call him “Short Arm” Steve because he’s got short arms. He’s had a hard time finding a mountain bike that has a short top tube and a short stem. He’s been known to use a 25mm stem to help his reach problem.
Here’s Short Arm with his lady friend who doesn’t seem to mind his short comings…pun intended.
Short Arm almost gave up on mountain biking until he found a solution for short arm problems through an unconventional method. Back scratchers!
Short Arm Steve stated; “These back scratchers not only changed my riding life, but now I have more confidence to start racing this coming season. My wife also likes my back scratchers. Sometimes she wants me to scratch her back and that always seems to lead to some hot sex right afterwards!”
If you’ve been mountain biking for a while but haven’t noticed any progress with the size of your calves. Here are some sure fire tips on how to get them bigger!
1. Ride more! Keep putting down the miles and when you are climbing, try standing up. That will get your calves working harder.
2. Do calve raises. Convince someone to sit on your back while you do this exercise. This will isolate your muscles and allow you to make some pretty big gains.
3. Wear slim/skinny fit pants. Nothing shows off your calves like some slim pants. Got these from Old Navy for about $30, worth every penny!
4. Genetics. If you weren’t born with good genetics, then you’ll probably be stuck with chicken legs and a balding head. Sorry, not really sure how to help you with this one.
5. Shave your legs. Last but not least. Shave them hairy legs. Porn stars do it with their genitals to make them look bigger. The same principle applies to your legs.
That’s right, I’m talking to you! Yep, I called you sexy!
Now just to be clear, I’m not gay, far from it! I love vagina! But saying “Hi Sexy” to your riding buddies isn’t a gay act or saying. You’re merely acknowledging the fact that your friend is sexy. Nothing queer about that right? I mean, if you’re a male that is 100% confident in their sexual orientation, then saying such things isn’t going to be a big deal. Think of it this way, women do this all the time. They’ll talk about how some one is pretty or how someone is hot…all the time! But there’s nothing sexual about it, they’re acknowledging that the person they are talking about looks good.
I know what you’re thinking, you may feel uncomfortable calling your buddies Sexy. Hey, that’s ok…it does take some practice and getting used to. So let’s give it a try, below are some scenarios on how you can practice saying “Hi Sexy!”
- Boss: “Hi Sexy, I’ve got those TPS Reports ready for you.”
- Father in-law: “Hi Sexy, can I borrow your floor jack?”
- Grocery store clerk: “Hi Sexy, I’ll take paper bags.”
- Priest: “Hi Sexy, I need to confess my sins…”
- Barista: “Hi Sexy, I would like a grande, half calf, triple shot, upside down soy, caramel machiatto with 3 pumps of vanilla and whipped cream.”
See…it’s not so hard right? So make sure you start saying this to your buddies this weekend, you’ll find that they’ll return the favor and start calling you sexy or they might even use an upgraded term, a sexy bitch!
Gary Parsons is an avid mountain biker and he also loves to go camping. He rides his local trails once a week. You can tell he’s a mountain biker based on his Instagram and Facebook posts talking about how he’s able to tame his demons with one mountain bike ride. Gary’s best assets would be his colorful wardrobe of expensive mountain bike clothing from brands like Fox, Troy Lee Designs, Dainese and many more. Gary believes that by looking legit on the trails, it will garner him trail-cred with the trail bunnies, or in other words, the LADIES.
Gary thinks that his pheromones that his body emits while riding his mountain bike makes the women wet. He was quoted saying; “I know that there’s an odor if you will, that my body excretes that drive the women crazy and wet.” When we asked Gary if he has proof they’re “wet” he basically said that some of the runner women he rides past are sweaty.
When we asked him to clarify what he meant by “wet” did he mean vaginal secretions or sweat? He said “Sweat! Vaginas secrete? Eeew that’s gross! Why would anyone want that?!” So it turns out he thinks that the term “wet” means sweat. Technically he’s right, but we believe he’s using it in the wrong context.
In addition, this odor or what he likes to call his pheromones is actually BO…as in Body Odor. Gary says deodorant is for sissies and that natural body odor is man-musk, which drive women crazy.
Meet Brett Chad Michael Smith, or as he likes to be called, “B-Shizzle.” Yes that really is his name and if you don’t call him B-Shizzle, he would prefer you call him by his full name. Back to the subject, Brett claims that mountain biking is his “fountain of youth.” He likes that he can stay in shape, hang out with younger riding buddies and wear cool mountain bike related clothing. His favorite ensemble would be big-dark sunglasses paired with a flat billed trucker hat where he tucks in his ears inside the cap, a mountain bike brand t-shirt to show his favorite bike brand, Dickies work shorts, riding socks that has some funny saying like “BEER:30” and a pair of Converse All-Stars.
Brett likes to try and meet younger female mountain bikers while riding or when he’s shopping for outdoor gear. He often will use the pick up line, “you got everything you need?” He figures he’ll approach women who broke down so he can have a to get a conversation started. But if that fails, he’ll also say “Good morning” to women who are running by. Each time he does so, his ego grows. Little does Brett know that 90% of the women he says hi to can’t hear him since they have their ear buds on.
Going back to the fountain of youth; even though Brett continues to age each year, he maintains that this sport helps him feel young because of the new words he’s learning from his younger riding buddies. “I learned terms like fleek, on point, sick, the gram, amazeballs, baller, bye Felicia, yolo, fanboi/fangirl, hot mess, humblebrag and kicks!” Said Brett as he sips his double IPA during this interview.
There you are just riding along when…a douche bag passes you unannounced. For some weird reason this guy thinks he’s in a race and is going as fast as he can. There’s a few things that come to mind, “Hey F*ck face!” and “what a douche” oh and we can’t forget, “damn Strava riders…”
Look, I’m not against training and trying to get your personal record or be the King of the Mountain or whatever thing you’re striving for. But sometimes its really douchey. I’ve yet to get into a physical fight on the trail, but I swear man, I’m pretty close…
So if you’re the f*ck face that does that, calm the f*ck down! It’s mountain biking, we’re here to have fun. If you really want to train hard go fast, do it super early in the morning when there’s no one on the trail.