A Swift Kick To The Groin…

Main Nonsense

Well, that’s just about what it felt like….

A few years ago I was out riding with my friend, forgive me if you’ve heard this story before. But anyhow, so I was out there in my usual bad ass self, hitting the trails as if I were some sort of abusive husband, which I’m not by the way. I was on my bike, a Gary Fisher Tarpon, some called it the Crapon. But they only called it that because they were super jealous of my RST fork and my Chinese Steel. I affectionally called my bike Gary.

Gary and I went everywhere together, to the market, Aliso Woods, Turnbull Canyon and ofcourse the Fullerton Loop.

It was nice Saturday afternoon, Gary and I were having a blast! We were taking jumps where they were available, and we were making it look super sweet. On one part of the trail is a down hill section. As I started my descent, I started to pick up speed. Man, by this time Gary and I were hitting 22,25,27,29….30….35MPH! Mind you this is on a hard tail bike.

So we’re literally flying on this trail. Then we come up to a section where I normally fly right through it because it has this sweet jump. As I’m speeding up to the jump, I bend my elbows ,focused on my path, get off my seat, bend the knees and prepare to hit the jump!

BAM! I’m in the air! It feels like everything is frozen in time. I was in the air for a split second, but it sure felt like it was 10 minutes! Anyhow I saw the landing coming up fast, I brace my self…here it comes…the ground was coming up fast….BOOM! I land it.

But the weight of my body compresses my legs and forced me to hit my seat….and that’s about the exact time when my balls decided to move further away from my body and rest against my leg. With that BOOM…came some pain.

I hit my nuts HARD! Oh my goodness, I just about passed out from the pain! I nearly black out, I try to stop my bike as fast as I could, by the time I stop the bike and hit the ground grabbing my nuts my eyes have teared up so much it looked like I was crying at a funeral. Well…in a sense I was…it was a funeral for my balls! HOLY SMOKES! I was in so much pain!

After about 15 minutes of rolling around on the ground, I finally had enough in me to get back on the bike and ride very slowly back to the car.

So at first I figured,”eh…I just hit my balls, it happens all the time…no biggie”


Days later my left nut was still hurting. I had gone for a few days walking like as if someone kicked me in the nards. I finally went to the doctor to have them prick and prod at my boys. The doctor excuses himself during my consultation to make a phone call to a nut specialist and them quickly comes back in. He tells me that I need to go to the ER. “ER?!!!” I said? He said something about some sort or contusion or that my left testicle might be all twisted up.

I get to the ER, I tell the front desk lady that my nuts hurt. She has me fill out some paper work and as soon as I was done, I look around, there must have been at least 50 people there waiting to be seen. As soon as I turn around, a nurse tells me to come in.

Ok, its bad enough you tell female nurses that your nuts hurt, but its worse when they send you to get an ultrasound performed by two men! These to guys were pulling, tugging, moving and lifting things down there just so they can make sure they get an idea whats causing the pain. Now I don’t know about you, but I ain’t into two dudes messing with my boys. Anyhow, after a few hours of testing and waiting….they send me home.

What had happened was, my boys just had too much testosterone…JK! Seriously, it was nothing major. Just a bruised nut.

So you’re wondering, “why in the world would RL tell this story?” Well you”ll find out right now.

Basically when you go down any hill, lower your seat if you can. That way you have less chances of hitting them!

Nuff said!

RL Policar

RL Policar is an avid mountain biker and the Editor In-Chief of MtnBikeRiders.com and BikeCommuters.com. Between the two sites, he's published well over 4,000 articles (and growing).


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