Offseasonitis – Overview

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What is Offseasonitis?
Offseasonitis is an annual cyclical disease that once caught affects the patient on a yearly cycle. Although not terminal Offseasonitis can lead to other diseases that will slowly chip away at your health. Offseasonitis, also known as “getting lazy during the holiday season�, is not a disease relegated to just mountain bikers. It is a common disease that many, nay all athletes suffer from.

Offseasonitis affects the seasoned athlete by causing said athlete to stop being an athlete. It’s that simple. Examples of this are when mountain bikers become runners during the off season. Running, of course, is not a sport. Running is technically one half of the “fight or flight� response to danger. When you are in danger accountants have calculated that you will only do one of two things: fight or flight. Running is therefore not an athletic activity just as wrestling or the fight part of “fight or flight� is not an athletic activity. They are both just responses to danger. [Caveat: WWE is an athletic endeavor; trust me I know from firsthand experience of watching it on pay per view.]

Running a sport? No. It’s a response to danger.

What causes Offseasonitis?
Offseasonitis, unlike most other diseases, has a very distinct cause: winter. Most doctors claim that people get sick because of germs. I pooh pooh this notion. Exactly how many of us have seen even one germ with the naked eye? That’s right, none. If you cannot see a germ, how do you know it exists and if it doesn’t exist, how can it make you sick? That’s right. It can’t. Let’s move on.

Winter, on the other hand can be seen. It can be felt. It can be heard, tasted and even smelled. It is seen in the changing of the temperature, the change in climate and the Christmas displays in shop windows. And what happens when winter comes around? People get sick. In fact, winter is known to be the main cause of exactly one thousand seven hundred and seventeen,1,717, different known diseases (

Winter causes Offseasonitis, disease number: 1714 of 1717.

What are the symptoms of Offseasonitis?
Although symptoms can vary from person to person, Offseasonitis symptoms include but are not limited to: weight gain, lethargy, laziness, constipation, cramps, bloated-ness, swollen fingers and feet. These symptoms are very similar to pregnancy symptoms and it is very likely that you could also be pregnant, although if you’re a male you’re most likely just going through the throws of Offseasonitis.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms and its winter time, please quickly consult your physician to get an accurate diagnosis. Getting an accurate diagnosis as quickly as possible is essential when it comes to Offseasonitis so if your physician is unavailable please feel free to give me a call, and $20 bucks, at (714) 555-1234 and I will personally diagnose you over the phone. Quick! Operators are standing by.

How is Offseasonitis treated?
Unless you have the power to stop the dreaded Winter, Offseasonitis cannot be treated it can only be minimized. Minimizing Offseasonitis is a difficult proposition in and of itself. It requires self discipline, you discipline, me discipline and wii discipline. When you add all these disciplines together, you may be able to make it out of Offseasonitis’ clutches having only gained 25% of your body weight. Count yourself lucky if you only gain 25% of your body weight, very lucky.

How can I prevent Offseasonitis?
Offseasonitis can be prevented by doing one simple thing: being a winter sport athlete. Be a skier or a snowboarder or snowball fighter. When you’re a winter sport athlete you are not affected by winter’s dastardly clutches. Of course that means you will have to travel the world to stay in the winter when it is not winter where you live, but that’s very do-able and cheap: just make sure your parents work for the airline industry, but not the TSA (everybody hates them), and you will always fly standby for free.

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