How to protect yourself from thugs on the trail

In the unfortunate event that you are forced to protect yourself and your property from trail thugs, knowing how to do so properly can literally mean the difference of you going out for burritos after your ride or being taken away on a stretcher. Below we will demonstrate some basic Trail Thug Fighting Techniques…or TTFT. I will be playing the role of a Trail Thug since Thugs are known to wear flannel shirts and argyle socks. My buddy, Ben will play the role of Mr. Mountain Biking Victim.

1. Punch to the FACE (with the rear tire) This technique can be easily executed if you have some sort of upper body strength. A quick blow to the Thug’s face can either knock him out or at least give you enough time to get away and get some rocks or a stick to finish him off.

2.Nut Cracker. After applying the rear wheel to the face, your next move is to shove your front wheel into the Thug’s nuts. There’s really not much else to say, a shot to the nuts will stop anyone!
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3. Say Hello to my Lil’ Friend. After the nut shot, the Thug will fall down to the ground, and this is when you show him how heavy your bike is by repeatedly hitting him with it. This is also a great time to repeatedly say to the Thug, ” You want a piece of me?! Huh Punk?!!! You want a piece of ME!” Doing so will ensure that the Thug knows you now have the upper hand.
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4. Anaconda SQUEEZE! This move basically uses the front wheel to choke out the Thug. You only release a little bit of the pressure when he either says, “Uncle” or when he starts gurgling because he can’t breath.
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One final tip, if you’re wearing knee/elbow pads, use it to your advantage. While the Thug is down, throw a few elbows, and knees to his ribs. Just remember, you’re wearing pads, so you won’t get hurt! I sure hope you have enjoyed our guide for the TTFT, remember you can do all these things if you simply say, “I was doing it in self-defense.” (you may actually want to consult your lawyer about that.)

6 Replies to “How to protect yourself from thugs on the trail”

  1. HAHAHA, thanks a lot! I use to have free reign of the trail, but now you have armed the other trail goers with the knowledge to fend me off.

    If I get beat down on the trail next time I’m ridding in cold weather… I’m blaming you.

    Hilarious..

  2. Oh and don’t forget to rob ( I mean borrow.)a couple of buck from the thug to get your burrito later after the ride. Kind of lets him know what it feels like to be the victim.

  3. How do we recognize the thugs? Do they all wear argyle socks? With it’s larger contact patch and better angle of approach, I think a 29’r would be better suited to the nut shot move.

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