Area man convinced that mountain biking makes women wet

Gary Parsons is an avid mountain biker and he also loves to go camping. He rides his local trails once a week. You can tell he’s a mountain biker based on his Instagram and Facebook posts talking about how he’s able to tame his demons with one mountain bike ride. Gary’s best assets would be his colorful wardrobe of expensive mountain bike clothing from brands like Fox, Troy Lee Designs, Dainese and many more. Gary believes that by looking legit on the trails, it will garner him trail-cred with the trail bunnies, or in other words, the LADIES.

Gary thinks that his pheromones that his body emits while riding his mountain bike makes the women wet. He was quoted saying; “I know that there’s an odor if you will, that my body excretes that drive the women crazy and wet.” When we asked Gary if he has proof they’re “wet” he basically said that some of the runner women he rides past are sweaty.

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When we asked him to clarify what he meant by “wet” did he mean vaginal secretions or sweat? He said “Sweat! Vaginas secrete? Eeew that’s gross! Why would anyone want that?!” So it turns out he thinks that the term “wet” means sweat. Technically he’s right, but we believe he’s using it in the wrong context.

In addition, this odor or what he likes to call his pheromones is actually BO…as in Body Odor. Gary says deodorant is for sissies and that natural body odor is man-musk, which drive women crazy.

Local 45 year old man says mountain biking is fountain of youth

Meet Brett Chad Michael Smith, or as he likes to be called, “B-Shizzle.” Yes that really is his name and if you don’t call him B-Shizzle, he would prefer you call him by his full name.older-guy Back to the subject, Brett claims that mountain biking is his “fountain of youth.” He likes that he can stay in shape, hang out with younger riding buddies and wear cool mountain bike related clothing. His favorite ensemble would be big-dark sunglasses paired with a flat billed trucker hat where he tucks in his ears inside the cap, a mountain bike brand t-shirt to show his favorite bike brand, Dickies work shorts, riding socks that has some funny saying like “BEER:30” and a pair of Converse All-Stars.

Brett likes to try and meet younger female mountain bikers while riding or when he’s shopping for outdoor gear. He often will use the pick up line, “you got everything you need?” He figures he’ll approach women who broke down so he can have a to get a conversation started. But if that fails, he’ll also say “Good morning” to women who are running by. Each time he does so, his ego grows. Little does Brett know that 90% of the women he says hi to can’t hear him since they have their ear buds on.

Going back to the fountain of youth; even though Brett continues to age each year, he maintains that this sport helps him feel young because of the new words he’s learning from his younger riding buddies. “I learned terms like fleek, on point, sick, the gram, amazeballs, baller, bye Felicia, yolo, fanboi/fangirl, hot mess, humblebrag and kicks!” Said Brett as he sips his double IPA during this interview.

Hey F*CK Face!

screen-shot-2013-07-15-at-10-21-16-amThere you are just riding along when…a douche bag passes you unannounced. For some weird reason this guy thinks he’s in a race and is going as fast as he can. There’s a few things that come to mind, “Hey F*ck face!” and “what a douche” oh and we can’t forget, “damn Strava riders…”

Look, I’m not against training and trying to get your personal record or be the King of the Mountain or whatever thing you’re striving for. But sometimes its really douchey. I’ve yet to get into a physical fight on the trail, but I swear man, I’m pretty close…

So if you’re the f*ck face that does that, calm the f*ck down! It’s mountain biking, we’re here to have fun. If you really want to train hard go fast, do it super early in the morning when there’s no one on the trail.

Area man says mountain biking has made his vagina shrink

Meet Rusty Bergold, he’s a guy that got into mountain biking for health reasons. But mainly he got into it because his friends kept calling him a “pussy.” Bergold didn’t want to be associated with that nickname so he decided to take up mountain biking. At first his vagina was so big that it would get in the way while riding. But the more he kept at it, the more his vag shrank. “Each time I do something gnarly, I can feel my vag shrinking and my balls getting bigger!” said Bergold during an interview at a local trail head.

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Bergold has tried other activities such as Merengue and spin classes to reduce the size of his vag, but nothing has been better for his condition than an hour of mountain biking. Dr. Tito Boyd stated “The saddle helps push the vag back in and each time he gets off the saddle to tackle the gnar, his balls drop a mm at a time.”

Best Anti-Theft Device

I was recently thinking this in my head, “what’s the best way to PREVENT bike theft?” I’m not thinking of bike locks or anything like that, but something that would deter or pretty much have a bike thief completely walk away from the bike and not even consider stealing it. Then I saw this picture on the Interwebs…

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Hmm, this got me thinking. This HAS to be the best idea ever and guess what, this could totally be used for just about anything that holds value. So all you have to do is get an adult toy, preferably something like the one you see on the photo, but maybe a bit bigger and blacker, then take that and place it on the item(s) you don’t want stolen.

Place it on your car, TV, your expensive pure bred dog, your phone. Heck you can place it on the couch, that way you don’t have to say “SAVE!” All you do is leave it there and no one will take your spot. If you place this toy on your bike, I guarantee you that no one will want to come near it. The natural response when seeing such an item is to back away. Immediately a person’s mind will get flooded with thoughts of nasty things that may have been done with that thing. Another thought is…”is it used?!” Most likely they’ll assume that it has been previously enjoyed before taking on a new purpose in life.

So what’s the take away from this article? Get yourself an adult toy, a few of them and leave them on your valuable possessions and I guarantee that no one will come near it, unless they’re into that sorta thing.

Mountain Bike Drinking Game

One of my buddies at Mybookie.com suggested I try a drinking game catered for mountain biking. Anyone can do this and all you need is some booze and a mountain bike race. If you’re not a betting kinda of guy/gal, take a look of some tips to help you to understand the Sportsbetting Lines. Now that you’ve got a clear understanding, let’s begin. Go to your local mountain bike race and then start taking bets on winners/losers/crashes/kits/types of bikes and etc.

A perfect place for that would be Fontana where the folks at Southridge Racing Company put on Super D, Downhill and XC. So you’ve got a whole weekend of drinking games.

Super D you can take a shot for each rider that comes by with goggles, 2 shots for a rider with a full face helmet and 3 shots for a rider with no pads what so ever.

DH games would be 1 shot for a Troy Lee Designs jersey. 2 shots for clipess pedals and 3 shots for Converse shoes or for Specialized/Giant bikes.

XC racing could be played with the colors of the kits worn. 1 shot for green, 2 shots for pink and 3 shots for animal print.

You can include a variation of the games by adding crashes to the drinks or having a shot of whiskey for mechanical brake downs, a shot of tequila for blood drawn. You basically get the idea right?

I’m a big fan of drinking and mountain biking. Spectating races is pretty fun and when you add drinking to the mix, it makes it way more interesting. Mind you most race venues may not allow drinking, so make sure that the place you’re going to do this game at is cool with boozing. If not, brown bag your stuff so no one will see your boozey goods.

If there are no races near you, consider watching them online. VitalMTB or Redbull is always broadcasting big events like the Redbull Rampage or World Cup. Those races cold make for some really interesting reasons to drink. From back flips, crashes to time they cross the finish line.

If you’ve got a few weak sauce drinkers in your group, you may want to start off with beer. If your buddy is a guy with a vagina, then O’Douls…For each offense you guys take a swig. Eventually you’ll catch a great buzz and the whole day becomes more fun. Hard liquor could become expensive and after a few shots most people will probably pass out or throw up. So pick yer’ poison and see which is more fun for you and your buddies.

You basically could do this game for just about any racing or sporting events. From BMX, fishing and even figure skating. The possibilities are endless! Heck you could even do this for little league games, pop warner football and your church’s flag football games.

What makes a great cycle insurance policy?

Bicycle races, rides up the hills, long rides that last for several hours, and just a lifestyle choice to remain fit and fine – a cycle can be an engine of absolutely amazing and great experiences. However, losing a cycle or having one damaged in an accident is a tragic blow for a bicycle lover. With cycle insurance, however, you can absorb your troubles. Here’s all that a cool cycle insurance policy must offer you.

Hassle free claims processing upon personal injuries

Cycling is not always about slow and steady rides above serene hills through winding tracks guarded by blissful views on either side. Weekend cycling trails can be tough, and competition can be intense. The risks get multiplied many times if the track is the same road that’s going to be used by the routine commuters of the city! In such cases, you are always at a risk of being inured because of an accident, or can crash into a careless pedestrian while trying to get past a fellow racer. Whereas accidental coverage is always present in any cycle insurance policy, you need to be aware about the finer terms of claims processing and honoring. Does the policy cover accidents caused by another person riding your bicycle? How long does it take to process the claim? These are some of the questions that you need to ask sternly, and seek clear answers for. Thankfully, you’ll have positive confirmations to your expectations with cycle insurance products all set to be launched, from the house of Yellow Jersey Insurance.

Coverage for damages because of vandalism

We’re sure that this has surprised you. However, you might be in a better position to appreciate the need for this coverage if can somehow start up a conversation about sulky and stupid people damaging others’ cycles when you go to your cyclists’ club meet the next time. You will be dumbstruck to hear several tales of unknown and unidentified ruffians kicking parked cycles, or inflicting worse damages by stoning the bike or tearing the seat away! You might never be able to figure out as to why a person would damage another’s harmlessly parked bicycle, but you certainly can help yourself by choosing a cycle insurance policy that provides for damages because of vandalism.

Single roof cover for all your beloved bicycle

Why complicate your life with multiple cycle insurance covers, one each for all your bicycles. Considering the passion with which hobbyists pursue their cycling, cycle insurance companies are already out with cool insurance plans that cover all bicycles of the insured person. This ensures lesser paperwork, more mind-space for the policy holder, and of course, a greater reputation for the insurance company offering such a practical insurance product for ardent cyclists. You’ll find such wholesome coverage from the YellowJersey.co.uk cycle insurance policies that are all set for a lunch.

Race cover

A cycle race is a high intensity and high risk scenario that demands specific insurance attributes. If your bicycling adventures also involve some high drama races on the weekends, you might want to consider cycle insurance policies that have separate race coverage benefits such as coverage against damage to wheels because of rough tracks, accident with a fellow racer, etc.

Gilet, Rapha Style

Never heard of a Gilet…..?  I’m sure you know what a vest is and a Gilet is a vest but with a fancy name; technically it’s a sleeveless jacket.  I received this Rapha — www.Rapha.cc — Gilet some time ago and let me just cut to the chase and tell you…I love it!  Everything about this thing is top notch and well thought out.  Maybe we should start with, who is and what is a Rapha ???

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Top quality packaging....


Rapha is an English cycling and lifestyle company that produces high end road cycling accessories and apparel.

Here is a quote from their website to help you understand their passion and purpose:

Rapha creates the finest cycling clothing and accessories in the world. Designed without compromise for the most discerning rider, Rapha products blend style with optimum performance. A passion for road racing means Rapha is more than just a product company. It is an online emporium of performance roadwear, accessories, publications and events, all celebrating the glory and suffering of road riding.

Everything Rapha does is informed by its passion for the glory and suffering that lie at the heart of the sport. From rides to events, from exhibitions to products, Rapha brings riders together to share this passion.

Drawstrings for a custom fit...

As you can tell from the quotes above, Rapha is a Passionate group of cyclists inspiring the inner cyclist in each of us.  What they have set out to do is change the way a product communicates to its owner – the product  becomes the channel for which the passion and culture of the organization is communicated to the rider.

The Vented strip and reflective piping....

The Gilet is designed for those days where “milder” weather is on order; presumably the English country side.  I wore the Gilet on several occasions and the first thing I noticed was just how warm it really was.  It is “windproof, water resistant and perfect for cool mornings”; for us here in SoCal, those “cool” mornings should be 60 degrees or less to really utilize the Gilet, it was that warm!

The Gilet is made of a highly breathable fabric and is not bulky at all.  It can easily be compacted down to just a few inches and stowed in the rear of a jersey pocket.  We rode SART during the past winter and the trail head was about 45 degrees and raining! – perfect conditions for the Gilet!

Small Pocket for keys, cell etc.

Let’s talk about some of the features.  Rather than type it all out and bore you (and wear out my fingers), I’ll just list my favorite features:

  • Offset Zipper
  • Reflective Piping – for the ride out of the mountains and back to home or coffee shop
  • Fleece lined collar or “chin” – so your pretty face doesn’t get scuffed up
  • Small front pocket easily accessible for keys, cash, phone and Chapstick in case you need to kiss while you ride
  • Two rear pockets – but their deep so your goodies don’t fly out
  • Waist cord so youzz can snug it up
  • Dropped Tail with ventilated mesh stripe
  • Understated style
  • Verbiage on the inside – Rapha always throws some inspiration by way of words in their products.  This one speaks of the battle between Eddy Merckx & Luis Ocana after they crest the Col de Mente and the respect Eddy showed to his formidable foe afterwards; stuff of legends and lost in society today.

    The Rapha Gilet hanging out at 7500 feet...

So what are some things I would like to see change ?  Well for starters, this thing ain’t cheap. At $165 in this recession, it’s not for the faint of heart.  The zipper could be a little more user friendly.  I’m the sort of chap that will adjust my personal comfort level on the fly, no time to pull over and fuss with stuff, I want to do it on the bike.   Sizing seems to run a little small.  I’m a large in life but I had to go for the XL with the Gilet.

Rear Pocket and Vented strip....

Conclusion: get the Rapha Gilet

The Gilet can be found here:

www.Rapha.cc/Gilet

Merci, Au revior,

Ciseaux

Our Review Disclaimer

Happy Ridin!

A little picture post just because. This is from my afternoon ride at the Fullerton Loop. I have been riding the Famous Fully Loop for many years and there are still days when I am just in awe of spring’s beauty!

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Ok…well if you can just look past the smog…it’s really nice out there! 😀 DSCF0673
Spring is definitely my favorite time of year to ride! Hope you get the chance to get out and ride today!

Lady P’s Sea Otter Classic Rants and Raves

This year the boss let me join the fellas for some Sea Otter goodness! It cost me a few favors but nevertheless it was all worth it! And by favors I mean cake pops. It cost me alot of cake pops! This was my first ever visit to Sea Otter and my first trip to beautiful Monterey, CA.
The trip started out with the 6hr drive up the famous 5 fwy. Talk about dedication! The Boss promptly started us on the road at 1 am and drove the whole way up. I was glad to have Art sitting shotgun to keep him company. Art made sure to keep RL entertained with lots of stories and plenty of songs. Art is a fantastic singer. He’s got a song for everything!

If his current gig doesn’t work out for him I think he’s got a future in show business.

We arrived bright and early Friday morning. We loaded up on coffee and other sources of caffeine such as Redbull for the long day that awaited us. I think the guys all averaged about 45 minutes of sleep! I really had no idea what to expect for Sea Otter but boy was I in for a treat! The venue for Sea Otter is huge! As you are driving over the green hills you are surrounded by riders everywhere! Lots of camp spots, booths and racing! A biker’s paradise! There was something going on at every corner and hill side!
Our morning started off with some hydration and eats then we promptly loaded our bags and prepped our bikes. That was one aspect I really appreciated about this outdoor venue. It’s completely acceptable to travel by bike throughout the show. So much more efficient to get around on bike and it’s more fun. We couldn’t have asked for more beautiful weather! Sunny with a fantastic breeze!
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Our first day there the boys were eager to get in some great video and pictures of all the latest and greatest. We made our rounds and got some awesome money shots. We made sure to stop off at the media center for refueling. We do love us some free food.
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Dan and I were able to get in a few demo rides out in the beautiful hills. I’ll be posting more about that later. RL and Art headed out for their own demo rides while cousin Joe got in some DH practice. There was always something going on!
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One thing I noticed about Sea Otter is the huge smiles! There are people of all ages and backrounds and you’ll find that everyone is just in great spirits. Definitely some great vibes out there as I really saw this as a show for the average biker – you and me.
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The first day at Sea Otter was packed full of biking goodness and to say we were tired was an understatement. The boys were running on fumes so we were eager to wrap up our day around 5p and head to our place. The day ended with some dinner at a local Taqueria. As you can see Art had no problem finishing off his tacos, shrimp cocktail, chips, salsa, beers and burrito. He consumes food like one of those skinny food eating competitors. I’d put my money on that guy.

Day 1 was great and I couldn’t wait to see what Saturday was going to bring! Stay tuned for my write ups on the rest of the weekend.